I was with a friend the other day and as he left, I found myself thinking I might not call him for awhile. I wasn’t sure what had happened. Nothing major, yet I was irritated, and it can be easy for the ego to write people off. But I care about this person and I am happy to report that I have learned to care about myself. I got off the seductively slick train of thought that felt defensive and hitched a bumpy ride on the road to self-awareness.
It took me several days. It did not feel good. It required that I accept responsibility for thoughts and feelings that felt like electrically charged ooze running through my veins. I asked myself the tough questions. Where was my reaction? What did it remind me of? Who? When? I consulted my Andean Healing Energy Cards deck which asks penetrating questions and offers suggestions for healing. I tracked and tracked. Inquiry. Honest. Bare. Painful. What is mine in this? Where am I in this?
24 hours later while praying before bed a negative belief trapped in my psyche floated up into consciousness. “Men are disappointing.” My ego snapped, crackled and popped to attention whining, “Yes, they are!! They are so disappointing!” All my relationships paraded through my psyche like a kaleidoscope of men behaving badly. Thank God I am old enough and have done enough work not to stop there. Okay, yes, men have disappointed me, starting with dear old Dad. Now let’s tune into my projection and wade through the mucky truth of I have disappointed men. The line of relationships reversed like a flip deck and I could see the ways I disappointed the men I have known starting with dear old Dad.
The next morning sitting quietly in meditation on my porch the quarter dropped fully, cherries aligned and I hit the emotional jackpot. “I disappoint myself.” Wow. Breathe. Ouch. Breathe. The truth is just so painful and always so liberating. Somehow everything always leads me to forgiveness, right? Someone else, myself…
Shamanic practice is not for sissies. I have only recently embraced the term ‘spiritual warrior’. It always felt a bit much to me, perhaps a bit masculine. But these days with what life is asking of us all, there is no more accurate term. This consciousness work is indeed a battle, fought upon the inner landscape filled with mines buried long ago.
We need lots of love, lots of support and lots of help in our journey. I pray the right teacher, technologies and tools come for us all. If you need some help with shamanic teachings and the process of inquiry, please consider the Andean Healing Energy Cards Deck. It was a labor of love in its creation. Channeled in from the mystical lineage from the Andes in Peru! And write me and share a process you took yourself through! These things are better shared!